As I sit here trying to write my blog for the nth time in the last few months. I am greeted with a blank mind which refuses to budge. I have felt this emotion at various points of my life, so I believe that there is still hope. I may just be able to write again as I have done so in the past. It is difficult to express feelings about a time period so beautiful yet so complex in a few hundred words. However today I have promised myself that I will share snippets of my journey. Whatever little I can and how ever much I can. I have a commitment to those who ardently read and follow the blog. Countless attempts have been made to pour my thoughts out into this virtual world that I have slowly come to think of as my sanctuary, my sacred space. However, these efforts have been to no avail. How should I explain to you dear reader that marriage is perhaps the most overwhelming step I have taken in my life. Everyone said it would be that way, yet it is only when one feels and lives the emotion for themselves, does one realize just how overwhelming it truly is.
Nitesh and I met through our closest friends and our romance has been every bit the fairy tale I have wished for since I was a young girl. We were engaged exactly 3 weeks from the the day we believe we fell for each other! If my god would have asked me to describe the sort of human being, I would have liked to marry, Perhaps I would not have been able to describe the man he blessed me with. Nitesh turned out to be a combination of so many things that seem like the ying to my yang. However, please do not confuse him to be a perfect human being. He is just a wonderful human being who is perfect for me 🙂
Our families were thrilled to celebrate the coming together of the two of us. I suppose we truly celebrate the coming together of two souls in our country. It’s an event that we look forward to and plan years in advance. Marriage is a sacred commitment to most of us. A commitment we choose to enter into and choose to respect and honour every day from the day we are tied into that bond. It’s an overwhelming feeling when it’s all playing out in front of you and perhaps even more overwhelming post the wedding and once the festivities end.
Nitesh and I often joke with our friends, that try and avoid streching your courtship when you decide to get married. To us, our courtship was filled with moments of tension and stress in the midst of all the happiness. Despite being engaged, it takes all your positivity and patience, to not lose your patience with each other and continuing to keep the spark alive. Please do not get me wrong when I express this view, however we often consume ourselves with conversations and situations that aren’t important and perhaps aren’t relevant at that particular point of our lives. Yet technology allows us so much access to one and another that confusion prevails sooner rather than later. While I loved how many bouquets of flowers my courtship was filled with, I dislike how much stress as bride and groom we took on our plate simple because of just how much we had planned or had visualized in our mind for the wedding. Part of the issue today is that we want what the other person next to us has and perhaps want something better as well ! Creating stress for ourselves in general. It takes a lot to keep reminding yourself that you must want a marriage that is truly more beautiful and more grand than your wedding.
However all that anxiety fades away as soon as your life events unfold in front of you. The excitement is such a special feeling. The wedding felt like my moment of being on top of the world with the person who made everything in life worth living for. Yet nobody told me that every high must follow with a low of its own kind; so on and so forth.
Post the wedding, I remember sitting as a new bride in a room filled with people who were laughing and chatting and despite all of that, I felt lonely and isolated. Was it normal to feel this way I sometimes asked myself? I never voiced this feeling , simply because I have never been made to feel anything but warmly welcomed and loved in my new home. I suppose, leaving behind your parents, your siblings and your home is a depressing and difficult step which no girl can avoid. However, I reminded myself of the things my mother would speak to me about during the years before I was to get married and I recall her breaking it down for me and explain to me that when you enter a new home, if you are making a change in your own life, then the next person or family too is changing themselves and their surroundings to welcome you into their zone, their home and their family. The idea was to constantly remind myself that I could not surround myself and my thoughts with purely my own list of adjustments and changes and I always had to remember to look carefully at the bigger picture.
Every time I felt lonely because of the longing for what was known and felt like home, I reminded myself of the first day I walked into our home as a new bride. On February 5th, 2016; a day after my wedding my Inlaws planned the most memorable Welcoming ceremony for me. I was made to feel so wanted, so loved and extremely special. A dozen baskets were filled with flowers and each member of the family joined in and showered me with a dozen flowers to welcome me as I took my steps towards my new life. Every time I feel lonely, I think of that day, and the love and warmth with which they all brought me home with. When that memory is refreshed in my mind, my promise to myself to love them all, becomes even more firm. I reinstate the promise I made to myself that I will always shower them with even more respect than I already give them. I was taught that if you give love, you get love and if you respect people, they too in turn will respect you for that gesture and I have never thought of that to be more true than now.
I truly believe that life can feel like a bed of roses, depending on who you choose to walk the path with and those you choose to journey with.
Sometimes I question myself about when this human being whom I now call my husband walked into my life and became such an integral part of it? When did my love for him grow so strong? When did we become so close that all that was once his and mine individually has grown into the feeling of being ours together. Our joys, ours sorrows, our happiness and most importantly our family.
You see dear reader, we humans are such softies at heart. We are designed in a way that we can love with all our heart and soul and with that love, bonds are developed. The home that once seemed like someone else’s is slowly feeling like my own.
Despite the fact that it’s been 6 months since the wedding already, it feels like only yesterday when we were all engulfed in the thick of wedding planning. Our conversations were consumed by our excitement of what the decor would look like, how the cards would be designed, venues, music, artists, and designers whose clothes we were excited to flaunt. It seems like all of it happened in a blur. Along the way we made so many friends. With vendors who have helped execute our ideas and visualisations into reality. I feel blessed and so happy when I meet someone who was a part of our journey of planning what was perhaps one of the most important day of our lives. We have shared moments of a time that will forever remain close to my heart. You all know who you are and I cannot thank you enough for being a part of our excitement, our fears and our happiness in celebrating this occasion. A lot of you have started to feel like family!
Coming to family; Mamma and Papa- Thank you. No matter what I may say, words fall short to express an emotion so deep for all the love and affection with which you have brought me up and with which you got me married. I love you and I am truly blessed to be your daughter. I would not have had it any other way . Raghav, for being the rockstar brother who handled everything with such patience and humility on the days of the wedding. Monisha Massi and Arvind Uncle for being my second parents through and through, for getting me married from Sainik Farms and for always loving me the way you both do. My two Bhua’s, my phuphaji’s and my four wonderful cousins; Nikhil, Aditya, Kabir and Kabeer for being there through and through.
My Inlaws; for believing that I would be able to tread this path that NJ and I have chosen to walk on. For supporting me through the change and for welcoming me with arms wide open. My sister in laws; Neha Di and Nidhi Di for being friends first and then sisters. For helping me through the whole process of settling into my new home. Truly no fun without the two of you! Last but not the least, my dearest Husband Nitesh; for believing that Ours was the puzzle that would fit just right. None of this joy would be possible without you!
As I live each day of being married, I realize that I have taken up a life long profession. My profession entails that each day, I look at the brighter side of life, look at the good rather than the bad, add humor to a tense situation and create an environment which will perhaps negate all of life’s irritants along the way. My job is to create a home and the learning of how to do that comes from everyday experiences! This job has perhaps taught me the greatest amount of patience and appreciation of life in general!
Why this post you may ask. Why did I choose to share my story yet again with an audience that are strangers to me yet with whom my bond has been as long and deep since the birth of this blog. Someone once said to me that no one posts a picture of themselves crying on facebook, no one shares a moment of feeling vulnerable and emotional on a public forum. The world that we have created around us is one where we share our happiness and our exaggerated moments or highs, yet very few share real life snippets and experiences that perhaps at some stage may help us and give us strength to take the right steps in the right direction. This is just my way of reaching out to young girls like myself who are perhaps already dealing with such emotions or may do so in the near future.
Until next time… However many months it may take!